Salam. Today I feel like venting out some of my feelings I've been feeling lately. I hope this is the best therapy I could co to myself by letting these feelings out.
Sometimes, I feel like I have felt the most down feeling of all. I have felt depressed about so many things happened. The core feeling about why I'm feeling down, which I can't really tell is about the relationship which I don't really manage to keep.
The rest of the problems that have been bugging me, I would really say they were some about family matters, work, studies, relationship with friends and other people and I feel like I was tested for all the things in the same time :(
About him, there will always thoughts about him in me. Not going to tell anyone further about this, but I really put my hope high for him even though I am still not sure about it, whether it's the rightest thing to do and worst still, I still do not know if he does realize my existence. Sigh. Maybe he is still confused.
About family, there were hiccups that we had to go through, the hardest thing to swallow when knowing the truth about some thing but everything seems fine now.
About work, I know I can't be here long. It's either I can't keep up or whether I will be asked to quit if they do not continue my contract since I still have not have my masters degree yet or it's me who wanted to try new environment and get out of my comfort zone. But sure thing is, I still don't know.
About studies, I still don't do it the right way. Still have not followed the right pace and I am left quite far behind, speaking of which, I know I need to catch up!
About relationship with others, all I can say is, everything is fine and I really hope I can keep this forever. I just need to stay away with anyone who gives me harm, and the rest, I am thankful that I am surrounded with many good people.
And more of it, money can also be the reason of my depression. Hmmm. So many needs and wants, so little money. So yeah...
Sometimes I wonder, is it really a depression that I am suffering from?
From what I read, depression is ;
Most people have felt sad or depressed at times. Feeling depressed can be a normal reaction to loss, life's struggles, or an injured self-esteem.
But when feelings of intense sadness -- including feeling helpless, hopeless, and worthless -- last for days to weeks and keep you from functioning normally, your depression may be something more than sadness. It may very well be clinical depression -- a treatable medical condition.
According to the DSM-IV, a manual used to diagnose mental disorders, depression occurs when you have at least five of the following nine symptoms at the same time:
- a depressed mood during most of the day, particularly in the morning
- fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
- feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
- impaired concentration, indecisiveness
- insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
- markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day
- recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death)
- a sense of restlessness -- known as psychomotor agitation -- or being slowed down -- retardation
- significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month)
Helpless, hopeless, and worthless. These are among the feelings I need to struggle with to overcome the negativity in me for about a month ago. I had such hard time.
I refused to meet people, I spent many hours in my room, alone. I cried a lot. Almost every time. Did nothing but thinking, skipped my meal, work extra hours in the office just to distract myself for not thinking too much even though I failed it many times, I still keep thinking about it!
And most of the time, I went to work, back from work and it was all my time alone and I had trouble to sleep at most nights. Ya Allah, it was awful!
Depression is bad. But I am thankful that somehow I think that I have overcame this bad phase, and I look forward to heal myself by telling myself that they are all written, and with Allah's will, everything is going to be fine and I need to keep on praying, instill all the positivity vibes inside me and tell myself that everyone has their own problems and don't be too succumbed with bad feelings and all.
And I also need to constantly tell myself that being sad is fine, but being sad all the time is devil's work and it shows that I am not a firm believer of Qada' and Qadar. Astaghfirullah.
In order to heal myself, it's normal for me nowadays to spend more time seeking Allah's blessing especially on the praying mat, recite/listen to Al-Quran Surahs instead of any other songs (I still listen to songs I like, anyway), go out and talk to people I trust, do the things I love such as cooking, spend more time with my bestfriends and talk more often to my mom, say that I love my family (I used to be very ego about saying or expressing my love to the family, but I'm getting better in that), search for more good songs for my ears, and be good to everyone.
And I always need to remember that, there is always many things we should be thankful for. And I need to stop whining/complaining!
These things need to be practiced and I hope that I am all being istiqamah in this. Ya Allah I really hope that I will keep improving myself forever and keep being better for myself and for everyone else.
Problems can always be our motivator, make us become more positive, help us to know who our true friends are, who will go after us if we are gone and many other positive things we need to look forward to. I need to say Alhamdulillah for all the tests, right?
I have had my down time, I know I need to buck up and embrace everything upon all the hardships that I have to go through.
Things are not all well for now, but I think they are getting better and me myself are getting better too. I hope so.
It feels good to let things out. To whomever who read this, sorry. But there are certain things that I can do, including writing in this abandoned blog (hehe) just to let myself feeling better.
Now. Better. Indeed. (even though I feel like crying writing this) I've said it, and I am saying it again, I miss the old happy me. I hope I will be happy back soon, insyaAllah. HE knows well :) Pray for me please.
Hasbunallah Wa Ni'mal Wakeel.
"CUKUPLAH ALLAH (MENJADI PENOLONG)BAGI KAMI DAN DIA SEBAIK-BAIK PELINDUNG" (ALI-IMRAN 3:173)
